Inside: You get to run around like crazy making sure the day is special for your family, but with zero credit because of "Santa." (Don't forget to buy a special role of "Santa" wrapping paper.)

Inside: Now you know why this card didn't come with a gift. (You're either a spoiled asshole kid or a grown-up that can buy their own damn stuff.)

Inside: Reason 4. It likely means that I was invited to a celebration of some sort. (That means being around people.)

Inside: Reason 4. You're getting pretty old, so you should celebrate while you still can. (Did you know that statistically you are 14% more likely to die on your birthday than any other day? Try not to party that hard.)

Inside: Thing 4. They can rip your vagina apart during delivery, but you'll love that little bugger more than anything in the world. (Or they can be forcefully cut from your stomach while you're awake... either way, you'll need stitches, but you won't care cause you love them.)

Front: I heard Mr. and Mrs. Claus are fighting. Inside: They're members of the North Pole fight club.