Front: I think about you all the time. Back: It's actually kind of creepy.

Front: You deserve a huge thank-you hug. Back: The creepy kind that lingers.

Front: People just don't send thank you cards like they used to. Back: Fucking jerks.

Front: I must say, I'm really sorry. Back: It must piss you off that I'm always right.

Front: You've been such a good parent. Back: Not the best. Not great. Just good.

Front: Let's make this the best Mother's Day ever. Inside: Because next year I'm putting you in a home.

Front: You did a great job raising me, mom. Back: But I wouldn't be so proud of the others.