Front: Thank you mom.
Back: I know I was a mistake, but thanks anyway.
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Front: The love you two share is an inspiration.
Inside: It inspires me to never get married.
Front: I’m so excited that you’re having a baby.
Inside: Because I sure as hell don’t want one.
Front: Waking up next to you every morning is a dream come true.
Inside: Unless your breath smells like shit.