Front: As your friend I really have to let you in on something.
Back: Your haircut is ridiculous.
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Front: For your birthday I wanted to get you something really great.
Back: But then I remembered that you’re a jerk.
Front: I started to plan a big party for your birthday.
Back: But there was no one to invite since you have no friends.
Front: It’s your birthday.
Back: So go fuck yourself.