Front: Being alone on Valentine’s Day is okay.
Inside: As long as you don’t mind masturbating.
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Front: Your baby is going to be the cutest.
Inside: Not very smart, but definitely cute.
Front: I’m so excited that you’re having a baby.
Inside: Because I sure as hell don’t want one.
Front: Waking up next to you every morning is a dream come true.
Inside: Unless your breath smells like shit.