Front: It must be your birthday.
Inside: I can tell because your boobs are sagging.
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Front: I got you the best birthday gift ever.
Inside: But you don’t deserve the best. So I kept it.
Front: No birthday gift could express my true feelings for you.
Inside: Except, maybe, a pile of crap.
Front: Everyone keeps telling me it’s your birthday.
Inside: Like I’m supposed to care or something.