Front: Happy Birthday.
Back: Holy fuck, you’re old.
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Front: I started to plan a big party for your birthday.
Back: But there was no one to invite since you have no friends.
Front: It’s your birthday, which means you should spoil yourself.
Back: Maybe just lay off the cake. You’re looking kinda pudgy.
Front: No birthday gift could express my true feelings for you.
Back: Except, maybe, a pile of crap.