Front: Happy Birthday.
Inside: Holy fuck, you’re old.
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Front: It’s your birthday, which means you should spoil yourself.
Inside: Maybe just lay off the cake. You’re looking kinda pudgy.
Front: For your birthday I wanted to get you something really great.
Inside: But then I remembered that you’re a jerk.
Front: I got you the best birthday gift ever.
Inside: But you don’t deserve the best. So I kept it.