Front: Have you picked out your Christmas tree?
Inside: Or are you one of those tree-loving hippies?
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Front: Happy Anniversary you two.
Inside: You aren’t sick of each other?
Front: I’m so excited that you’re having a baby.
Inside: Because I sure as hell don’t want one.
Front: Waking up next to you every morning is a dream come true.
Inside: Unless your breath smells like shit.