Front: I’m so excited that you’re having a baby.
Back: Because I sure as hell don’t want one.
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Front: Sugar and spice and everything nice.
Back: Until puberty turns her into a bitch.
Front: Your baby deserves the best.
Back: So hand it over to me and I’ll raise it.
Front: I adore babies.
Back: But don’t expect babysitting. Or diaper changes.