Front: You deserve to be celebrated.
Inside: You do a lot of crazy shit… And you’re still alive.
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Front: No birthday gift could express my true feelings for you.
Inside: Except, maybe, a pile of crap.
Front: As your friend I really have to let you in on something.
Inside: Your haircut is ridiculous.
Front: It must be your birthday.
Inside: I can tell because your boobs are sagging.