Inside: Option 4. Hand them this greeting card + a six-pack. (The six-pack could be beer or doughnuts. Or both or neither.)

Inside: Reason 3. Because the word congratulations is so long that people hate writing it out themselves + they'd much rather just buy a card that spells it out for them.

Inside: 3. Go out of your way to purchase them a birthday card in advance. Write a message, sign your name and mail or hand deliver the card to the birthday person. (Yes, this piece of paper that you spent money on will end up getting tossed, but the birthday person will know that, without a doubt, you are better than the folks that only did #1 or #2.)

Inside: Tip 3. Send out passive aggressive cards "joking" about how you hate the holidays. (Is it a joke? Or not? Best just keep to yourself.)

Inside: Reason 4. You're getting pretty old, so you should celebrate while you still can. (Did you know that statistically you are 14% more likely to die on your birthday than any other day? Try not to party that hard.)

Inside: Thing 4. They can rip your vagina apart during delivery, but you'll love that little bugger more than anything in the world. (Or they can be forcefully cut from your stomach while you're awake... either way, you'll need stitches, but you won't care cause you love them.)